Facing Situations

Relationships have peaks and valleys as they form. In some situations, there are struggles for dominance that resolve into one (Alpha person) taking the lead in most situations. There are other situations where the struggle for dominance turns into Alpha’s total domination.

The latter is primed by the fact that the less powerful (Beta) person is more submissive and not as assertive as they could be. It’s driven by the fact that the more Beta person looks to others for validation and support. They rely on others to put forth their argument and either do not know their own “voice” or never learn how to use it. We tend to find youthful, inexperienced people in the Beta position as well as women. This doesn’t necessarily mean that all people with one (or all) of these profiles is actually youthful, naive, inexperienced, or female. It simply means that particular person is less assertive.

There is a danger in putting these two types of people together, especially when they are extreme polar opposites. The Alpha can easily become not only the dominant party but also a bully. Even worse, the Alpha could easily become abusive.

There are methods to avoid these undesirable consequences. One of them is to not put the pair together. We already realize the combination will be like putting dynamite in a nursery. The management costs in terms of labor hours lost in managing the situations that come up between the pair will be enormous, not to mention health insurance costs from depression and other psychosomatic ailments. But the Beta person has value and their talents are beneficial. To lose them is to lose some unique skills, talents, knowledge, and work attitude. It’s better to simply sidestep that can of worms.

There’s another reason for not putting the pair together. You avoid being in the way of a potential law suit for negligent hiring or allowing an unsafe work environment or a workers’ compensation claim for work related injury (in the form of depression and related psychosomatic ailments).

This pair requires a vigilant managerial style and frequent coaching on communication and work styles. There will be days when it seems like simply doing the work of the two yourself will be less intensive, less headache, and just plain ole easier. But that’s a cop-out and we shouldn’t go that route.

The far better alternative is to establish the workplace ground rules immediately. Outlining what are each allowed to do and defining their limits as well as overlap areas is a prudent option. Also wise is to allow the Beta person to speak up when it appears they are deferring to the Alpha. Ask them for their input with regard to the work. Make certain their opinion is solicited in front of the Alpha. Make doubly certain both offer their input publicly so that the pall of clandestine favoritism is abated.

The alternative of having the Beta voice their input rather than allowing them to be a shrinking violet who defers to the Alpha’s input all of the time is another way of providing assertiveness coaching while still remaining productive.

What also helps with building confidence and assertiveness is allowing the Beta to feel it is all right to voice their objection to something. After they have given voice to their position, ask for feedback from the Alpha. Ascertain where they see the benefits of the proffered input. Ask both whether they have experience with the same or a similar situation or project so that expertise can be established by both. This will allow the Beta to start building their internal confidence; they’ll have the opportunity to talk, without boasting, about their success stories. Eventually they’ll see the benefit of including those success stories on their resume.

The Alpha partner will want the opportunity to share their input and success stories as well. Make certain the sharings don’t become a competition for who’s better. Instead, let those situations become times when they can reveal their knowledge in order to establish where they have strengths and how they can contribute to the overall project as a team member.

But the critical factor for the Beta personality is that they gain skills in assertiveness. No, you do not need to go into hand holding all of the time and being the parent figure who constantly covers for one while holding the other at bay. You hired this oil and water combination because of the unique benefits they bring to the workplace. Rather than allow them to become a combustible, let them be the salad dressing (please forgive the allegory) applied in just the right amounts.

It’s important to recognize the friction that can evolve if Alphas and Betas simply go along their career highways doing what they do best — dominate others and subordinate themselves. Far better is to show them how to play up their best traits while respecting the esteem and benefits of having the team member on board.

Yes, I Remember

This day has been inching its way into existence all year long. It shouldn’t be surprising that various formal and informal observances occurred throughout these United States. But for me, the observance was definitely non-traditional and completely unplanned. The spontaneity of the remembrance of what was happening in Hollywood in 2001 compared with what was happening in a run-down house in Jefferson Park in 2008.

As this date approached, I found myself looking around at my environment and considering the existence in my neighborhood and where I live compared with what people in Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan endure on a daily basis. It was interesting to reflect on the fact that those people live each and every minute of their lives with the hovering threat of a bomb, missile, or bullet completely crumbling everything about their world or taking them out of it. Life is tenuous but people are able to find some type of joy and celebration in order to make living full of Life.

Some put theirselves under the influence of narcotics in order to withstand the stress. Valium can be bought from the corner drug store for pennies. Each day is an exercise in sublimating reality in order to survive to the next sunrise with most of your sanity. In Jefferson Park, many of the residents do likewise. They see their lives as entities put on hold until they die. So they wait. So numbed are their uneducated minds that the wait seems to be longer than Santa’s arrival for a three-year-old.

Life in those far off places, where we now have troops mustered to protect the American way of life, and the accompanying lifestyles are not that different from the circumstances of the denizen of Jefferson Park. The only difference is that the bombs and missiles aren’t as imperative a threat and the bullets fly a little less frequently. But the hand-to-hand combat, the guerrilla vocabulary, the instinct reactions that have replaced reason are all there. Some are completely oblivious to not only national news but local as well.

In 2001, I forced myself to make all of the rounds that were scheduled for that day. The bus took forever to arrive so I walked up the hill to deliver an envelope. And that was when I learned that the plane crashes were not the end of the story. That was also when I learned that downtown (my next stop) was closed. And I remember considering the Hollywood transvestite prostitutes. They, like the denizen of Jefferson Park, were oblivious to any of the events occurring outside of their particular bus stop bench. The only thing that was important to them was where the next $5 was going to come from and how to get it.

This year I remembered the 2003 observance of the events of this date at church. It was close to a month-long observation of domestic violence as it affects the workplace and I was hosting the event. With the attack, I saw the parallels of the two evils and created a chart that compared domestic violence to terrorism. It was a popular chart. It helped people get a sense of the two situations and put things into perspective.

This year, I find myself living involved in several case studies on group dynamics, management and leadership, ethics, morale, abuse of power, fear, signs of lack of power, the consequences of either having no rules or else not enforcing them. This year, I find myself living in my own Iraq and dealing with five terrorists who are all under my roof. Each week one of them takes their turn at inflicting some sort of brutality upon me. Sometimes it’s twice in the week. Whichever frequency, the abuse continues. The police have stopped protecting me. The landlord doesn’t seem to respond to the messages I send him. Thus, it’s up to me to determine how best to defend myself from further harm. This is training on how to handle a hostile situation and then teach others.

While rather simplistic, one of the things that helps get through each day is doing something simple or reading a joke. It’s fortunate that I’m freelance. If I were on the clock, my innui would be considered failure to work. I would be a cost to the company and others would not understand why my attention span is so short. They would not understand why the slightest incident (say, getting bumped by a backpack and losing your footing) will cause the me to go into self-defense mode, ready to fight to defend and protect self. There would be no comprehension of why the mood is so surly nor why there are so many mistakes in the work product.

Dazed and stunned was what we all felt in 2001. “How could this have happened here?” we collectively puzzled.

And those precious lives that were lost that day are also a pity. Many of those caught in the first hits were the people who had worked all night and were about to leave work to go home or else were those who opened the buildings to prepare them for the thousands who would stream through the doors. They were merely doing what they were supposed to do. They were the simply folk who formed the strong base of our commerce. But on September 11, 2001, they became not only martyrs but also national heroes, especially those on Flight 77.

Yes, I remember September 11, 2001. In a way, I probably remember is everyday, just at those in the Middle East live their existences. The numbness that we felt for a week or more after the attacks was blessed. The numbness I feel is comforting but I realize it is not normal. I’m glad of the friends and support system I’ve managed to build. It is through these outlets that I have the ability to focus on things outside of my self and look to the more remarkable.

I remember September 11. I’m reliving September 11. And I will get through it with fire and victory.

Should I Stay or Should I Go

I’m sitting at my little desk at Starbucks and looking at three cards. These cards hold a great deal of significance in regard to identifying the woman who owns them. Without these cards, she is the same person. With them, she has some fleeting credibility that is pushed to the edge each day.

I look upon these cards (a staff ID card from the University of San Francisco; a law student ID card from the University of San Francisco; and a Press card from National Writers Union) and the thoughts that go through my mind are very similar to the thoughts that sift through the mind of the domestic violence survivor after long struggles to survive alone and still meeting that stupid brick wall smack dab in the face very fast.

“Should I stay where I am or should I go back?”

In the business world, staying in the new situation that simply is not working is still independence from the situation left behind that was filled with daily confrontations with the abusive boss, the bully in the other cubicle, the harasser from hell down the hall. No money in the world was worth the deterioration of self, ego, and self esteem.

Yet the new situation is unrelenting. It selfishly yields a tongue-tip of honey, sometimes on a daily basis, just enough to keep you baited and staying a little longer in order to catch the reward that never gets delivered. It’s time to make a change. But the change does not involve going back.

The change becomes seeing what you have to offer these sociopathic ego killers. Something they want. Something they’d kill to have. Something their mercenary souls would be given in order to have and to which you hold the keys. The change needs to come from your no longer seeing yourself as powerless. In fact, you have a great deal of power and you now need to not only recognize it but also focus on how to use it.

It isn’t necessary to hold up your resume each and every time you come in contact with these pathetics who would have you turned into a berated child at each encounter with them. Instead, you need to have a no-nonsense conversation with them about whatever topic is on the table. You need to set forth the existing situation, the potentials that radiate from it, and the consequences of each of the acts upon the potentials.

What also needs to happen is to draw these mercenaries into their own trap by engaging them in talking about what they see will happen next. If their assessment is incorrect, tell them, “That’s not exactly where this will go. Instead, it will play out like this . . ..” Then tell them, “A better way to handle this is to . . ..”

Of course, you can also tell them you’d like to explore this conversation with them a little more but you simply don’t have time for it, you’re not interested in being chastised like a small child any more, and given the fact that you are quite capable of lucid, very valid thinking, it is highly non-productive for you to continue to use them or their resources any further.

Well, sometimes the very reason for the alliance was because it availed you of the resources. In that case, thank them for the alliance and come up with some means of keeping your “ally” at a very long distance while you keep entitlement to the resources. When it’s possible to do so without harming yourself, sever the relationship.

You have the intelligence. You have the background. You have the credentials. You are the strong and powerful one. These abusers and bullies are using you to help them gain the advantages they cannot develop on their own behalf. You need the confidence to realize that. It isn’t a question of “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s a matter of “How do I use these idiots to my advantage?”

A Purpose

There are days when we get discouraged about everything. The first impulse is to simply give up — completely give in to the setbacks and inertia. This is not some flitting fancy. It’s part of the emotion and state of mind involved in depression. And it happens not because we didn’t lift a finger and what we wished for on a star didn’t fall into our hands. No, there’s another reason for the depression.

The depression is the result of many long hours (even months or years) of striving, struggling against great odds and obstacles without rest or recreation. It seems the more we struggle, the more we work toward achieving our goal, the farther away it is removed from our grasp.

Additionally, we find ourselves not being rewarded in any manner for our efforts — or at least it seems that way on initial blush. All we can see is the hard labor, the sacrifices, the meagerness about us, the squalor, the unsavory characters that we were taught in Sunday School to give charity who are now our comrades. How did this circumstance happen and why? Is this the reward for hard work?

The fruit of our endeavors is taken from us, credit for it given to others who have done little to even merit their initials near the product. If credit is not given to another, then we find the work deleted, erased, denigrated as pitiful and having little to no value.

There is justification for this depression. It is not right, it is not fair to put forth so much effort and find yourself in a negative position from where you started. Life is about growth, not regression. Life is about becoming more capable, growing stronger and taller with each passing day. Life is about growing wiser with each experience.

And therein lies the answer to the frustration and depression. Were it an actuality that we were not making progress, there would be no one erasing what was done. No one would be trying to claim our work as theirs. And if there were not quality as part of the inherent value of the product, it would not be desired, there would be no competition for ownership of it.

What this says, then, is that we have wronged ourselves. We have put ourselves in the midst of people and we do not belong in this crowd. These people have a great deal to learn. There is a lot they need to learn about theirselves. There is a lot they need to learn about putting into a project the quality that is required in order to derive that quality at completion.

Our frustration is that, as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs puts it, we are striving to build our monuments to ourselves. The monuments are being destroyed and sometimes before our very eyes. We realize that with each destruction or theft, there is nothing to mark the fact that we traveled this road and had that impact on the environment as well as other beings.

It isn’t a comfort, especially if you’re in this frame of mind at this instant. But take heart. This Earth is a very volatile place. Nothing lasts. Everything is destroyed in its own time. Earthquakes will tumble mountains, tsunami will wash away entire civilizations. And with those destructions, evidence of the people and their civilization will also be destroyed. The only difference is that one was done by Man, the other by Nature.

True, this consolation is meager. But it is consolation. The other is, as I said before, if the efforts had poor worth, no one would bother to take or destroy it. Be glad that you did something that lured the avarist. You set a milestone before them, a bar over which they needed to leap and they could not meet the test.

As to the losses, especially of proper company, there is a remedy. Start today to make time for yourself. Give yourself an indulgence at least once a week. Call or email an old friend. Find a reason to laugh. Make certain you have a voluntary smile. Even if it’s a cup of weak tea, sip it as though it’s a priceless wine to be savored.

And most of all, remember to consider the little things that are still providing you with quality of life.

To pass over all of these things without thinking about them, appreciating them, is definitely the waste. It’s amazing when we take the time to look over our shoulder at the part of the field that has already been plowed instead of what is in front of us that is still rough hewn and in need of order. An occasional look back can actually bolster our conviction to push forward. There is conviction. But there needs to be a time of rest in order to consider what has already come and gone. It wasn’t a waste. It all had a purpose.

depression, quality of life, achievement, setbacks, change,

Does your resume say ‘Hire me!’?

An Uncomfortable Situation

“Going home shouldn’t HURT,” is what the sign on the bus read and it encouraged calling the domestic violence hotline for Los Angeles County if you’re experiencing abuse. There are a lot of lessons that can be taught about domestic violence and the multiple forms of abuse associated with it. There are even more lessons that accompany going to the various agencies that purport to work toward eradicating abuse and supporting those who are victims of it. To some extent, those lessons are for another day.

More importantly, going to work shouldn’t HURT. Theoretically speaking, the focus is on the work product as it should reach the customer. Quality output, timeliness, accuracy. Those are the primary issues. The pettiness of who is talking about whom, what the color of their skin or hair or gender may be are not part of the product unless this is a salon of some type. But when it comes down to making the numbers crunch, or getting the database to hold and find all of the correct inputs, it doesn’t really matter who did it just so that it did get done. That is not about hurting. That is about focusing on the job and working toward a common goal for the stakeholder.

Another important thing is who made the best [sales] in the last period. Fantastic! Let’s team up with that person in order to learn how they did this so that we can replicate their positive angles, so that we can put our own spin on their techniques in order to personalize to our style and appeal to our class of customers.

Going to work shouldn’t hurt because of venomous remarks, needless comments, barked logic that when stepped away from collapses into drivel. Going to work shouldn’t mean we grit our teeth against discovering some critical document is lost that was in the middle of the desk when we turned off the lights last night. Going to work shouldn’t mean enduring people who interrupt what we’re saying because they know more than us, what we’re saying isn’t important enough to hear, isn’t very interesting, is always wrong.

Going to work shouldn’t hurt because everyone else gets a lunch break but not us. Demeaning remarks shouted out in public before co-workers and clients should not be the normal environment. The integrity of our work should pass muster from the last time our hands were on it to its delivery.

Yes, there are means of dealing with these situations. Reporting them to the appropriate compliance officer is one way of handling them. But the compliance officer has myopia and doesn’t see the situations as plainly as we do. Nothing happens. Is there any way to kick this up the ladder? Maybe not. In that case, it’s time to go to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Examine the situation on an incident-by-incident basis. List each occurrence of something that is askew and the events surrounding it. Review the list. Look for a pattern. Who was present, in relation to other things, when did this occur? Note curious associations. Report these, especially if a pattern is recognized. Is there a time pattern or a cycle? Does this seem to happen to you only or are others similarly affected?

Are the reports you make going unheeded at every level? Then it’s time for you to take matters by the reins. Short of violence, do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. Document when you have victories and get public acknowledgement of them whenever possible. Add them to your resume as accomplishments. Get endorsements on your networking profile. Make certain your profile is up to date. Circulate.

Do not be intimidated by the remarks when you speak up for yourself. Do not allow yourself to feel flustered and inadequate. Know your rules and ground work and adhere to it. Do not just stand up for yourself. Let people know when you’re asserting your rights. Phrase it so that the consequences reflect positively on you.

And while you’re at it, make certain you start researching where you will go next. While you’re at it, start interviewing for where you’ll go next.

Going to work nor going home should hurt.