Should I Stay or Should I Go

I’m sitting at my little desk at Starbucks and looking at three cards. These cards hold a great deal of significance in regard to identifying the woman who owns them. Without these cards, she is the same person. With them, she has some fleeting credibility that is pushed to the edge each day.

I look upon these cards (a staff ID card from the University of San Francisco; a law student ID card from the University of San Francisco; and a Press card from National Writers Union) and the thoughts that go through my mind are very similar to the thoughts that sift through the mind of the domestic violence survivor after long struggles to survive alone and still meeting that stupid brick wall smack dab in the face very fast.

“Should I stay where I am or should I go back?”

In the business world, staying in the new situation that simply is not working is still independence from the situation left behind that was filled with daily confrontations with the abusive boss, the bully in the other cubicle, the harasser from hell down the hall. No money in the world was worth the deterioration of self, ego, and self esteem.

Yet the new situation is unrelenting. It selfishly yields a tongue-tip of honey, sometimes on a daily basis, just enough to keep you baited and staying a little longer in order to catch the reward that never gets delivered. It’s time to make a change. But the change does not involve going back.

The change becomes seeing what you have to offer these sociopathic ego killers. Something they want. Something they’d kill to have. Something their mercenary souls would be given in order to have and to which you hold the keys. The change needs to come from your no longer seeing yourself as powerless. In fact, you have a great deal of power and you now need to not only recognize it but also focus on how to use it.

It isn’t necessary to hold up your resume each and every time you come in contact with these pathetics who would have you turned into a berated child at each encounter with them. Instead, you need to have a no-nonsense conversation with them about whatever topic is on the table. You need to set forth the existing situation, the potentials that radiate from it, and the consequences of each of the acts upon the potentials.

What also needs to happen is to draw these mercenaries into their own trap by engaging them in talking about what they see will happen next. If their assessment is incorrect, tell them, “That’s not exactly where this will go. Instead, it will play out like this . . ..” Then tell them, “A better way to handle this is to . . ..”

Of course, you can also tell them you’d like to explore this conversation with them a little more but you simply don’t have time for it, you’re not interested in being chastised like a small child any more, and given the fact that you are quite capable of lucid, very valid thinking, it is highly non-productive for you to continue to use them or their resources any further.

Well, sometimes the very reason for the alliance was because it availed you of the resources. In that case, thank them for the alliance and come up with some means of keeping your “ally” at a very long distance while you keep entitlement to the resources. When it’s possible to do so without harming yourself, sever the relationship.

You have the intelligence. You have the background. You have the credentials. You are the strong and powerful one. These abusers and bullies are using you to help them gain the advantages they cannot develop on their own behalf. You need the confidence to realize that. It isn’t a question of “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s a matter of “How do I use these idiots to my advantage?”

A Purpose

There are days when we get discouraged about everything. The first impulse is to simply give up — completely give in to the setbacks and inertia. This is not some flitting fancy. It’s part of the emotion and state of mind involved in depression. And it happens not because we didn’t lift a finger and what we wished for on a star didn’t fall into our hands. No, there’s another reason for the depression.

The depression is the result of many long hours (even months or years) of striving, struggling against great odds and obstacles without rest or recreation. It seems the more we struggle, the more we work toward achieving our goal, the farther away it is removed from our grasp.

Additionally, we find ourselves not being rewarded in any manner for our efforts — or at least it seems that way on initial blush. All we can see is the hard labor, the sacrifices, the meagerness about us, the squalor, the unsavory characters that we were taught in Sunday School to give charity who are now our comrades. How did this circumstance happen and why? Is this the reward for hard work?

The fruit of our endeavors is taken from us, credit for it given to others who have done little to even merit their initials near the product. If credit is not given to another, then we find the work deleted, erased, denigrated as pitiful and having little to no value.

There is justification for this depression. It is not right, it is not fair to put forth so much effort and find yourself in a negative position from where you started. Life is about growth, not regression. Life is about becoming more capable, growing stronger and taller with each passing day. Life is about growing wiser with each experience.

And therein lies the answer to the frustration and depression. Were it an actuality that we were not making progress, there would be no one erasing what was done. No one would be trying to claim our work as theirs. And if there were not quality as part of the inherent value of the product, it would not be desired, there would be no competition for ownership of it.

What this says, then, is that we have wronged ourselves. We have put ourselves in the midst of people and we do not belong in this crowd. These people have a great deal to learn. There is a lot they need to learn about theirselves. There is a lot they need to learn about putting into a project the quality that is required in order to derive that quality at completion.

Our frustration is that, as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs puts it, we are striving to build our monuments to ourselves. The monuments are being destroyed and sometimes before our very eyes. We realize that with each destruction or theft, there is nothing to mark the fact that we traveled this road and had that impact on the environment as well as other beings.

It isn’t a comfort, especially if you’re in this frame of mind at this instant. But take heart. This Earth is a very volatile place. Nothing lasts. Everything is destroyed in its own time. Earthquakes will tumble mountains, tsunami will wash away entire civilizations. And with those destructions, evidence of the people and their civilization will also be destroyed. The only difference is that one was done by Man, the other by Nature.

True, this consolation is meager. But it is consolation. The other is, as I said before, if the efforts had poor worth, no one would bother to take or destroy it. Be glad that you did something that lured the avarist. You set a milestone before them, a bar over which they needed to leap and they could not meet the test.

As to the losses, especially of proper company, there is a remedy. Start today to make time for yourself. Give yourself an indulgence at least once a week. Call or email an old friend. Find a reason to laugh. Make certain you have a voluntary smile. Even if it’s a cup of weak tea, sip it as though it’s a priceless wine to be savored.

And most of all, remember to consider the little things that are still providing you with quality of life.

To pass over all of these things without thinking about them, appreciating them, is definitely the waste. It’s amazing when we take the time to look over our shoulder at the part of the field that has already been plowed instead of what is in front of us that is still rough hewn and in need of order. An occasional look back can actually bolster our conviction to push forward. There is conviction. But there needs to be a time of rest in order to consider what has already come and gone. It wasn’t a waste. It all had a purpose.

depression, quality of life, achievement, setbacks, change,

Does your resume say ‘Hire me!’?

An Uncomfortable Situation

“Going home shouldn’t HURT,” is what the sign on the bus read and it encouraged calling the domestic violence hotline for Los Angeles County if you’re experiencing abuse. There are a lot of lessons that can be taught about domestic violence and the multiple forms of abuse associated with it. There are even more lessons that accompany going to the various agencies that purport to work toward eradicating abuse and supporting those who are victims of it. To some extent, those lessons are for another day.

More importantly, going to work shouldn’t HURT. Theoretically speaking, the focus is on the work product as it should reach the customer. Quality output, timeliness, accuracy. Those are the primary issues. The pettiness of who is talking about whom, what the color of their skin or hair or gender may be are not part of the product unless this is a salon of some type. But when it comes down to making the numbers crunch, or getting the database to hold and find all of the correct inputs, it doesn’t really matter who did it just so that it did get done. That is not about hurting. That is about focusing on the job and working toward a common goal for the stakeholder.

Another important thing is who made the best [sales] in the last period. Fantastic! Let’s team up with that person in order to learn how they did this so that we can replicate their positive angles, so that we can put our own spin on their techniques in order to personalize to our style and appeal to our class of customers.

Going to work shouldn’t hurt because of venomous remarks, needless comments, barked logic that when stepped away from collapses into drivel. Going to work shouldn’t mean we grit our teeth against discovering some critical document is lost that was in the middle of the desk when we turned off the lights last night. Going to work shouldn’t mean enduring people who interrupt what we’re saying because they know more than us, what we’re saying isn’t important enough to hear, isn’t very interesting, is always wrong.

Going to work shouldn’t hurt because everyone else gets a lunch break but not us. Demeaning remarks shouted out in public before co-workers and clients should not be the normal environment. The integrity of our work should pass muster from the last time our hands were on it to its delivery.

Yes, there are means of dealing with these situations. Reporting them to the appropriate compliance officer is one way of handling them. But the compliance officer has myopia and doesn’t see the situations as plainly as we do. Nothing happens. Is there any way to kick this up the ladder? Maybe not. In that case, it’s time to go to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Examine the situation on an incident-by-incident basis. List each occurrence of something that is askew and the events surrounding it. Review the list. Look for a pattern. Who was present, in relation to other things, when did this occur? Note curious associations. Report these, especially if a pattern is recognized. Is there a time pattern or a cycle? Does this seem to happen to you only or are others similarly affected?

Are the reports you make going unheeded at every level? Then it’s time for you to take matters by the reins. Short of violence, do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. Document when you have victories and get public acknowledgement of them whenever possible. Add them to your resume as accomplishments. Get endorsements on your networking profile. Make certain your profile is up to date. Circulate.

Do not be intimidated by the remarks when you speak up for yourself. Do not allow yourself to feel flustered and inadequate. Know your rules and ground work and adhere to it. Do not just stand up for yourself. Let people know when you’re asserting your rights. Phrase it so that the consequences reflect positively on you.

And while you’re at it, make certain you start researching where you will go next. While you’re at it, start interviewing for where you’ll go next.

Going to work nor going home should hurt.